Leaning In: A Message from the COO of Facebook

If you have not yet had the opportunity to do so, I recommend reading the transcript from Sheryl Sandberg's commencement speech at Barnard College this week. During her address, Sheryl voiced her hope for the upcoming generation of female graduates to further the cause of women. She states that as far as women have come since our mothers' generation, we still see the inequality that women deal with, especially in the workplace. Although women make up at least 50% of college graduates, we are still in the minority when it comes to holding leadership positions within corporate America. No big surprises there; this is something that we have all realized by now. Sheryl encourages women to "lean in" - to think big about our careers and our contributions, to have confidence in our abilities.

But what I really identified with is this statement:

"Of course not everyone wants to jump into the workforce and rise to the top. Life is going to bring many twists and turns, and each of us, each of you, have to forge your own path. I have deep respect for my friends who make different choices than I do, who choose the really hard job of raising children full time, who choose to go part time, or who choose to pursue more nontraditional goals. These are choices that you may make some day, and these are fine choices.

But until that day, do everything you can to make sure that when that day comes, you even have a choice to make. Because what I have seen most clearly in my 20 years in the workforce is this: Women almost never make one decision to leave the workforce. It doesn’t happen that way. They make small little decisions along the way that eventually lead them there. Maybe it’s the last year of med school when they say, I’ll take a slightly less interesting specialty because I’m going to want more balance one day. Maybe it’s the fifth year in a law firm when they say, I’m not even sure I should go for partner, because I know I’m going to want kids eventually."

This is very insightful and so true. As women in the workforce who are mothers or mothers-to-be, it tends to be a slow process - this "leaning out." I am always struck by the fact that men who are fathers don't generally make these kinds of choices; they are mainly "leaning in," doing whatever they can to further their careers. And I say this with all respect, especially being married to a devoted, engaged father who spends as many non-working moments with his family as possible. But there truly is a difference. As women, it seems like we are conditioned to think about the future of our families - how our demanding careers may take their toll on our children, on our work-life balance. And some of us make adjustments based upon this conditioning - the less demanding job, part-time hours, working closer to home. Men don't seem to think this way which really proves that as far as we have come, the concept of women owning the job of "family" is still pervasive in our society.

Will it ever change? I think back to my childhood and then think about most of the families I know these days. Things have definitely progressed; I know Dads who have playdates with other Dads, many men who understand that they have to share the burden of days off from work to care for sick children and many Dads who attend their kids' school performances along with their wives. This is a big improvement from the families of the 1970's. So maybe there is hope; wouldn't it be great if we could all "lean in"? That would also mean that corporate America needs to catch on that we're not living in the 1970's anymore...but that's a whole other post.

Cheers,
Renay

Hello Mommy Dearest

8:00AM: toughest point in my day. Trying to get the kids organized and off to school as my cell phone rings requires masterful multitasking. I answer the cell phone and it's call that I need to take. My dear children are standing in the kitchen, backpacks settled and ready to go. And then it happens...Zach decides he's thirsty and pulls out the milk. He spills it down his shirt as I try to wrap up my conversation. And then Brielle MUST have milk, too.

I get off the phone, letting the kids know that it's not time to be drinking milk but time to go. Okay - not so bad. Then, I get all of our stuff - usually about 6 bags total that I'm toting, pushing, carrying - into the car along with the kids. Whew...ready to roll. BUT, Zach has milk all over his mouth (yes, it bugs me) and as he starts to laugh, the gross milk and saliva mixture dribbles down his shirt. That's it...I'm done. Stick a fork in me and let me go. I slam the door, run into the house to get a paper towel, run back out to the car and let him have it. I'm screaming at him about taking care of himself and his appearance and wiping his face and shirt down. Needless to say, this was not one of my finer moments of motherhood.

Zach is quiet on the way to school - and Zach is never quiet. Only when he's upset. And then the guilt begins to settle in and I feel horrible. So I apologized profusely, give him hugs, walk him into school. I get back into the car and want to curl up on my bed as thoughts of Mommy Dearest run through my head. "No more wire hangers! And no more milk all over your face!"

Ridiculous, I know. This comes from the controlling part of my personality which unfortunately rares its ugly head at times when I'm stressed...and other times, according to my husband. On my way to work, I tried to call my husband and finally got him on the phone. The interesting thing is that I told him the story and wanted him to absolve me of my bad behavior. He wouldn't which is probably a good thing because I don't deserve to be absolved. But I do deserve forgiveness, I think. I'm human, as all of us Moms are.

When I came home tonight, Zach was there waiting for me and told me all about his day. So I can live through yet another "less than perfect" Mom moment and hope that tomorrow is better. I can only hope.

Cheers,
Renay

Motherhood: Wonderful and Tough

I hate it when I have to say that "it's been a while since my last post" but there it is. A lot has happened since my last post including a job change. So I have been busy. But I just read a post on another Working Mom blog that cannot go unnoticed.

Katherine Lewis wrote a post entitled, "Motherhood: Yes, It's Supposed to be This Hard." In her post, Katherine writes about how crazy our lives can be and when that happens, it's easy to feel that our kids demand too much of our time. If only we had more time to do work, chores, clean the house...

It's just at these times that Katherine suggests that we, as Moms, take a step back and reconnect with our families. I couldn't agree more. And she states, "If you think it's hard, then you're doing it right." Even though I think I know that, it's really great to hear.

Sometimes it seems overwhelming, doesn't it? I am on the go from the moment that my eyes open in the morning till the moment that they close (usually around 11pm). But what if it wasn't that way? I realize that I love my kids and I love my career. So I'm not sure I would have it any other way. I just have to deal with my life being incredibly hectic, try not to stress out and forgive myself for the things that fall through the cracks occasionally.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you amazing Moms out there and thank you to all of our wonderful, crazy, fun, frustrating, high-maintenance kids for giving us the opportunity to be amazing.

Cheers,
Renay

Piling it on

I have determined that I am a glutton for punishment. In addition to my full time job, kids and family responsibilities, activities, networking events, taking care of my house and my cat, I have decided to add yet another "item" to my list: a cute, rambunctious, 13-week old puppy.

We picked her up last Sunday - a friend of a friend had adopted her from a shelter in TN (she was transported up north) and was unable to keep her. I saw her picture and I was toast. So here was my first day with Molly...

Wake up at 5:30, let Molly out, feed her, get kids ready for school, take Molly for a walk, get her into her crate, take kids to their 2 schools, go to work for 2 hours, go home to walk/check on Molly. Back to work for a few more hours, stop at home in the afternoon to walk Molly. Go back to work, pick up kids, go home and walk Molly. Make dinner, do homework with both kids, help with showers, make lunches for the next day. Finally, let Molly out for her last potty break.

Is that insane or what? I'm pretty used to multi-tasking but this is ridiculous. It has gotten easier as the week has gone on. I'm hoping we can make it work. As I look into those big brown eyes that are currently staring at me, I realize that I have fallen for her. What am I thinking?

Cheers,
Renay

Ode to Girlfriends

Okay, so I've had a glass of wine or two...but I thought it quite appropriate to devote a post to my girlfriends.

As working Moms, we are challenged for time. Between work, kids' activities, homework, dinner and (hopefully) exercise, how do we fit in social time with our friends? Well, I look at my time with my girlfriends as absolutely necessary and part of my "mental health" routine.

When I'm with my friends, I can share my biggest challenges at work, I can discuss the fight I had with my husband last week and I can ask for their advice regarding my latest parenting challenge. Who else can you do this with? Who else accepts and understands the way your best girlfriends do?

Often times, we look at our friends and our social time as a luxury because we are so busy. But I believe that this is the wrong way to think of it. Spending time with my friends makes me a better Mom, a better wife and even a better employee. Thankfully, I have a husband who understands this and is quite supportive of my time with friends.

So the next time you think you are too busy or too tired for that drink after the kids go to bed, think again. Make the time and reconnect with friends. It's definitely worth it.

Cheers,
Renay

TV Choices

Happy New Year! Yes, it's 2010 and I'm still up to my old tricks...staying up ridiculously late, looking stuff up online, catching up on Facebook, etc. But today Zach, my 7-year old, asked me something that has me thinking...

I have written before about the TV dilemma; which shows should I let him watch? And then if he's watching an "older kids show," what about my 4-year old who inevitably watches with him?

Today, Zach asked me if our PBS channel only had "baby shows." I told him that I do not think so but apparently, the kids at school do. Quite frequently, he wants to watch "X-Men" and other related shows. While I will occasionally let him watch those, I often do not allow it since some of them seem violent.

But am I babying him? We have begun letting him see movies that are a bit more grown up but since he watches some TV almost every day, I feel like I really need to oversee the shows he is watching. When I hear him make comments like this to me, I start feeling guilty, like maybe I'm too overprotective and need to let him make a few more choices.

So tough...it's amazing that our kids don't come with instructions. I wish I had some! I welcome any thoughts you have on this subject.

Cheers,
Renay

Bring on the Circus!

I'm typing while my 7-year old is playing his new Nintendo DS, a gaming system that "Santa" reluctantly brought him this year...not sure that we needed yet another electronic gaming device. And my daughter is asking me what the plan is for the day.

I love being home with them and taking a break from my working life. It gives us the opportunity to just have fun. BUT, I have learned over time that my 7-year old is incapable of spending time on his own for more than 5 minutes. And I'm not exaggerating. He must be entertained at all times or else the whining and complaining begin. So I find myself trying to plan for every moment of the day. And that's even after Santa came and brought the 800 new toys that are currently all over my house. But to him, there's nothing to do.

I have begun instituting some quiet time so that he must play on his own for a small part of the day. Usually, though, it ends up with yelling in order for him to actually carry through. What's interesting, though, is that my 4-year old has a much easier time playing on her own and often wants to. It's amazing how 2 kids can be so different.

So, I must go now and create my "plan for the day." Hopefully I can find a circus, a show, or some other spectacular to keep everyone happy...

Cheers,
Renay