Thursday, March 5, 2009

Battling the Mommy Guilt

I feel like I'm going to fall asleep as I type but I could not let this day go by without a post so here goes...hope that it makes sense.

I started my new job this week and really love it. The company has this great culture with talented, smart people who seem to enjoy what they do. At the same time, everyone seems very grounded and down-to-earth. So I am thrilled about it.

But Week #1 and I already have the Mommy Guilt complex. It doesn't matter that I was home for 4 months when I could have spent hours or even days at Zach's school for events, plays, etc. It doesn't matter that I now race home to help him with his homework, make dinner, spend time playing and reading books. You may be saying: "Why doesn't it matter?"

The answer? Because Zach's class put on a play yesterday that took place right in the middle of the day. And it was my second day of work. Did I mention that I was home for 4 months? Did I mention that during those 4 months, there were no plays, no school-day events, no calls to help out in the classroom? So why wouldn't there be this cute, adorable, first-grade play during my first few days of a new job?

To make matters even worse for me, I had a conversation with Zach the night before the play to let him know that neither me or Daddy would be able to attend. I thought he would start yelling at me, that he would bring the usual drama. But that was not the case. I told him and apologized, letting him know that I was very sad that I had to miss it with tears running down my face at the time. And he said to me: "That's okay, Mom." WHAT? That made it even worse!

One of the "good" Moms in the class was kind enough to provide a DVD that she had taken of the play and we all watched it tonight. Of course it was amazing. At the end of it, the teacher stood up in front of the class and the parents and said, "I have a request. There is a parent who could not make it who would love to see a video and/or pictures if any of you can pass these along." Translation in my head: "There is one horrible Mother who did not come to see her adorable son's cute play and now she wants to get the video from one of you good parents out there."

Okay, so I'm being dramatic. But I still feel so guilty. I want to be there for EVERYTHING and this is the first school event that I have missed. Zach, of course, seems fine with it. But I'm sure that I will continue to feel guilty for quite some time.